Pursue Your Heart

Ok, lets try this again.

I really feel passionately that I am supposed to write so why is it that every time I recommit to the upkeep of this blog I fail? Yes, life is busy and yes, there are distractions; however, that does not excuse me from neglecting this desire. Bottom line? I am terrified. I am scared stiff that somehow I will mess this up or that I am unqualified or that in someway I will not measure up to the imaginary standards I assume others will hold me to. I have always loved writing and figured it would be a part of my career in some way or in the more romanticized versions I had of my future, I was a weekend novelist. I would picture my self closed up in a cabin at some remote location writing for hours or days just trying to get the words on the page as fast as they were evolving before they drifted away never again to be recaptured. I feel peaceful even now as I revisit these images now long since shoved ungracefully into the dark corners of my life.

Life changing events are often precipitated by a trigger and an ah-ha moment. I was recently fortunate to have one of these. I gave notice to the last of my dayhome families (trigger) and that night had the opportunity to take some time out of the house on my own. I was driving and reflecting on this impending change. I have been running my dayhome for 3 years and it has provided for my necessary financial contribution to our household. My husband has recently changed industries and this is what has given us the freedom to close the dayhome. I loved doing it, having all those kids around, the interaction it provided for my children and many other aspects but I chose not to return to the general work force so that I could be home with my children. I was doing this to some degree but I do not feel like I have been able to give my children all my love, focus, and attention that they deserve with having so many extra little ones around. I feel revived knowing that God has led us to a place in life where this is possible and so I asked him "What is next?" Now, I know God speaks, I believe I have heard him before, but I was honestly a little shocked when clear as a summer's sky came the answer (ah-ha moment) "PURSUE YOUR HEART".

I have spent the past several days contemplating this simple phrase. I have broken it down, defined it, and dug into it to better grasp the meaning. "PURSUE": to chase, to hunt, to follow these are some of the common words when you go for the dictionary definition. I had a more difficult time with the "YOUR HEART" part of the answer. What is my heart's desire? Where does my passion lay? What are my talents? I love to see people grow, I love to write, I want mothers in every point of their journey to know that they are not alone and that they can do it. This all seems pretty clear until my self-doubt starts to creep in and I start asking who am I to fulfill this role, what qualifies me to reach out to these women, why would my opinion matter? Then in a moment of quiet I hear God leading me again. "I have qualified you. I have blessed you with your life just the way it is so that you may be able to relate to those whom I will use you to reach for my glory."

Wow! If God is for me then none can stand against me. I henceforth commit my life and my words to his glory. May He use me to his purpose.

In Christ's Love,

Amber